Qualified, But Still Waiting

Since I graduated this past June, I've been experiencing something called Imposter Syndrome. Oh yes, our friend from the dark side has made its return, here to whisper that I am not good enough, under-qualified, and ultimately a failure. As time goes on in my job search, these thoughts get louder and louder with each passing week.

Imposter Syndrome is talked about a lot, but I don't think we talk enough about what it can feel like right after graduation, especially in the arts. When you're applying for job after job, getting close, maybe even the top 3, but not quite there, and watching the months go by without the career you worked so hard for, it's hard not to start questioning yourself. I know I'm not the only recent graduate who has found themselves wondering if they're actually good enough, even when they've spent years working toward exactly this.

Comparing yourself to others in your field or path is easy to do, but mentally destroying.

I went into college with my Red Seal Diploma in Marketing and Design Communications. I was my school's yearbook editor for two years. I taught and assisted in the grade 9 art course as well as the grade 10-12 yearbook class. I received proficiency awards for marketing, design, and arts related disciplines. I had been using Adobe Creative Suite programs for 4 years already and was actively working at improving my efficiency and skillset. Many of my first-term classmates had never even touched these programs and just thought design was something that came easy to beginners. I was confident that I had a bit of a head start.

Leaving college, I had improved with every assignment, worked for two different contract design jobs while managing my studies and life as we know it. At that point, I had over 6 years of design and marketing experience. I honestly still felt as though, skillset-wise and technically, I had a leg-up over many of my peers and other people entering the design field. I felt more prepared and experienced than the average recent graduate thanks to the opportunities I had worked so hard toward.

But fast forward 5 months, I'm still unemployed. Well, employed, but not in my field; and I've honestly been ashamed of myself and embarrassed to admit that. I knew finding a job in design would be hard, but I never thought it would be this hard, especially considering my experience.

But the part that hurts the most is how often I interview, sometimes up to 5 times a week, and even make it to the top couple of candidates, then am ghosted and tossed aside like I didn't even apply in the first place. I'll spend weeks jumping through hoops for a potential position, then complete radio silence. I've had interviewers quite literally tell me to my face, "You're our best candidate" and speak of sending over onboarding paperwork, then fall off the face of the Earth. Getting SO close each time but never actually making the cut has been so disheartening.

Having this occur weekly, again and again for so long has let me get into my own head.

What if this isn't what I'm meant to do?

What if I'm not good enough?

Am I under-qualified?

But the fact of the matter is, I do have more experience than many recent design graduates. I do have a wide skillset, and I know I'm capable of what I do. I simply need the chance to prove it.

Deep down, I know all of these things are true. I am good enough. I am experienced. I do have what it takes. I also know that the job market, especially for arts-related fields, is a mess right now.

I just need to remind myself of these things from time to time, and not let the negative thoughts get in the way of creating.

I cannot control when imposter syndrome comes to visit, but I can continue to try to prove it wrong every day.

Because at the end of the day, I know I am meant to do this. I know I am qualified. I know I have something to offer. I just need to keep believing that, even when the job market makes it difficult to believe in myself.