Can I Rest Yet?

Everywhere I go, my backpack goes with me.

What's in my backpack you ask? My laptop, iPad, and a charger. They're almost like an emotional support blanket for me; we're practically attached at the hip, but literally attached at the shoulders.

I wake up and the first thing I do is open my laptop. Not because I necessarily have something that needs to be done, but because there is always something I could be doing.

There's always an idea I could work on, a portfolio project I could improve, a job I could apply to, a post I could design, an illustration I could finish, or some completely new project I could start.

And that's the problem; I don't know how to rest.

Even when I'm resting, part of my brain is working. I'll be watching TV and suddenly think of a new project. I'll be trying to fall asleep and think of the perfect name for something I've been wanting to make. I'll be out somewhere without my laptop and start thinking about all the things I could be doing if I had it with me. 

Sometimes I feel like if I don't act on an idea immediately, I'll lose it. So I write it down. Then I write down another one. And another. In the span of half an hour, I could have a list of projects that could keep me busy for the next six months, and somehow I still feel like I'm not doing enough.

The list overwhelms me. Nothing is set in stone of course, but it intimidates my productivity. There's so many things I want to do and so little time before these ideas could potentially disappear; I have to start NOW. Yes, it's 3am but if it means getting things done or at least started, I'll have earned the rest that comes afterward. Rest is my reward but who decided I had to earn it?

I think that's where the guilt comes from.

If I have the time to work, shouldn't I be working?

If I have an idea, shouldn't I make it?

If I have the tools sitting right in front of me, shouldn't I use them?

I think I've started to confuse being productive with moving forward. I could be equally as productive during the day if I allowed myself the proper rest to recharge at night; but we both know that won't happen.

There is always going to be another project. Another idea. Another thing I could improve. Another thing I could learn. Another tab open on my laptop. But there isn't always going to be a reason to stop. So I'm trying to learn how to create one.

I'm trying to remind myself that resting isn't wasting time. I don't have to squeeze productivity out of every spare minute just because I can. I don't have to sacrifice my sleep and meals just to squeeze a few more hours out of the day.

I can put the laptop away.

I can leave the iPad at home. Maybe not the laptop quite yet but I'm taking baby steps.

I can let an idea sit in my notes for a few days. If I need to make progress on it that badly, I can write down more thoughts and in-depth details about the project. I don't have to make it immediately just because I'm excited about it.

Maybe that's what I'm trying to learn: an idea doesn't disappear just because I don't make it tonight.

I can come back to it tomorrow, better rested, nourished, and with a fresh set of eyes.

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